You don’t realize when you have kids how quickly they are going to grow up before your very eyes. I am astonished some days that Riley is already two and that in three short months we will be welcoming his baby brother Carter into our family. So, I guess if your child can grow up in an instant than a year can pass rather quickly in your life.
One year ago today, my brother gave up his valiant fight against cancer and went to be with his Lord in Heaven. A day does not go by that I do not miss him and think about him and marvel that here we are and a year has gone by. Some things have changed a lot in the last year and some things have stayed the same. I miss him as much now as I did then, but each day does get easier I would say. Some days are still harder than others and sometimes the most random things make me think of Jake, when he hadn’t been in my mind previously.
I try not to relive those last few weeks of his life, but I do find my mind wandering there, more so now with this anniversary upon us. I think about the last time he gave me a hug (on Thanksgiving) and how I almost told him not to worry about it because he was laying on my aunt’s back porch on the ground because that was the only place he could get comfortable. He insisted that I crawl down on the ground and hug him goodbye, which of course I did and I thank God every day that he made me do that. Did he know at the time that things would take a turn for the worse the next day or did he just want to hug his sister goodbye because who knows how many more times we would get to do that? As I drive to my parent’s house I think about the walks I took him on in his wheelchair those couple of weeks he was in hospice and how we ventured once out on our own. Jake insisted that we go all the way down to the main street down by the high school. I was not adept at maneuvering the wheelchair and practically tipped Jake out onto this busy street. Luckily Jake found the humor in the situation and just laughed, but did make sure I kept him safely secured in the chair. On that same walk he also commented on how much my Dad was hugging and kissing him lately and I just had to remind him, “He’s your Dad and that’s what he needs to do.” That seemed to be all Jake needed to hear and as far as I know he continued to let my Dad kiss and hug him to his heart’s content. We never really spoke out right about his impending death although I am sure as we knew what was happening, that Jake had to know as well.
I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if Jake were still here. Would I be pregnant now? Would I be naming my son after Jake? Would Jake be married? Would he be having kids? Etc, etc, etc. BUT, you can’t dwell in the past. You can only take the cards you are dealt and live the life you are given, whether you get 25 years to live that life or 100. I am sure that I look at things much differently now and I don’t take the time I am given on this earth for granted. I have said many times that you never know how many days you have so you have to live the each day the best way you know how. I hope that Jake had an influence on this mindset and if so, I thank him for leaving that legacy with me.
I’d like to share a story with you all now from the day of Jake’s softball tournament earlier this month. My parents brought the picture of Jake that we had blown up for his memorial and it was on display all day at the tournament. I left to take Riley home for a nap and when I returned my mom asked if I had seen the photo. I said “yes” and she asked if I had seen it recently. I hadn’t so she brought me up to see the picture again and explained that some condensation had gotten between the plastic frame and the picture and this was the end result:
One year ago today, my brother gave up his valiant fight against cancer and went to be with his Lord in Heaven. A day does not go by that I do not miss him and think about him and marvel that here we are and a year has gone by. Some things have changed a lot in the last year and some things have stayed the same. I miss him as much now as I did then, but each day does get easier I would say. Some days are still harder than others and sometimes the most random things make me think of Jake, when he hadn’t been in my mind previously.
I try not to relive those last few weeks of his life, but I do find my mind wandering there, more so now with this anniversary upon us. I think about the last time he gave me a hug (on Thanksgiving) and how I almost told him not to worry about it because he was laying on my aunt’s back porch on the ground because that was the only place he could get comfortable. He insisted that I crawl down on the ground and hug him goodbye, which of course I did and I thank God every day that he made me do that. Did he know at the time that things would take a turn for the worse the next day or did he just want to hug his sister goodbye because who knows how many more times we would get to do that? As I drive to my parent’s house I think about the walks I took him on in his wheelchair those couple of weeks he was in hospice and how we ventured once out on our own. Jake insisted that we go all the way down to the main street down by the high school. I was not adept at maneuvering the wheelchair and practically tipped Jake out onto this busy street. Luckily Jake found the humor in the situation and just laughed, but did make sure I kept him safely secured in the chair. On that same walk he also commented on how much my Dad was hugging and kissing him lately and I just had to remind him, “He’s your Dad and that’s what he needs to do.” That seemed to be all Jake needed to hear and as far as I know he continued to let my Dad kiss and hug him to his heart’s content. We never really spoke out right about his impending death although I am sure as we knew what was happening, that Jake had to know as well.
I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if Jake were still here. Would I be pregnant now? Would I be naming my son after Jake? Would Jake be married? Would he be having kids? Etc, etc, etc. BUT, you can’t dwell in the past. You can only take the cards you are dealt and live the life you are given, whether you get 25 years to live that life or 100. I am sure that I look at things much differently now and I don’t take the time I am given on this earth for granted. I have said many times that you never know how many days you have so you have to live the each day the best way you know how. I hope that Jake had an influence on this mindset and if so, I thank him for leaving that legacy with me.
I’d like to share a story with you all now from the day of Jake’s softball tournament earlier this month. My parents brought the picture of Jake that we had blown up for his memorial and it was on display all day at the tournament. I left to take Riley home for a nap and when I returned my mom asked if I had seen the photo. I said “yes” and she asked if I had seen it recently. I hadn’t so she brought me up to see the picture again and explained that some condensation had gotten between the plastic frame and the picture and this was the end result:
(Thanks Stephanie for the photo!)
The picture is a bit blurry, but hopefully you can see that the image the condensation made gave Jake the semblance of angel wings. My mom and I like to call these “god winks.” In this instance I like to think that it was God’s way of letting us know that Jake is an angel watching over us all and that he is doing okay. He’ll be missed every day of my life, but I know a time will come when I will see him again. Miss you brother and I’ll love you forever. Hope we’re all making you proud.
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